I really cannot stand that Mercy residents, sponsors and supporters who have this attitude about them that it’s okay for Mercy to hurt some girls, as long as they help others. It’s okay for them to be abusive towards some girls as long as others turn out alright.
It’s actually really common for abusive people to pick one person to take the brunt of the abuse and at Mercy things are kept very secret, so you would never see it. Your roommate could have been that woman. Your friend could have been that woman. And I don’t understand why this is excusable, because they helped you?
It’s called scapegoating,
Aggression, the use of force against another human being, is always present in scapegoating. As Elizabeth A. Kaspar says, “The aggressive person is one who tries to dominate others. Aggressiveness, too, can take several forms. The aggressive person is frequently rude and humiliating, (e.g., “What do you mean, you aren’t going to do it?”), or the aggressive person can become self-righteous (e.g., “I am only insisting on this for your own good.”), or she/he can resort to being manipulative (e.g., “If you refuse, what will everyone think of you?”).”
It seems as if we humans as a species seem to need someone to vent our anger on and make wrong. Scapegoating is a projection defense. It is the ego saying “If I can put the blame on you, I don’t have to recognize and take responsibility for the negative qualities in myself. What I can’t stand about myself, I really hate in you and have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality.”
"Scapegoating is a hostile social - psychological discrediting routine by which people move blame and responsibility away from themselves and towards a target person or group. It is also a practice by which angry feelings and feelings of hostility may be projected, via inappropriate accusation, towards others. The target feels wrongly persecuted and receives misplaced vilification, blame and criticism; he is likely to suffer rejection from those who the perpetrator seeks to influence. Scapegoating has a wide range of focus: from very large groups of people down to the scapegoating of individuals by other individuals.
In scapegoating, feelings of guilt, aggression, blame and suffering are transferred away from a person or group so as to fulfill an unconscious drive to resolve or avoid such bad feelings. This is done by the displacement of responsibility and blame to another who serves as a target for blame both for the scapegoater and his supporters.”
In so far as the process is unconscious it is more likely to be denied by the perpetrator. In such cases, any bad feelings - such as the perpetrator’s own shame and guilt - are also likely to be denied. Scapegoating frees the perpetrator from some self-dissatisfaction and provides some narcissistic gratification to him. It enables the self-righteous discharge of aggression. Scapegoaters tend to have extra-punitive characteristics [Kraupl-Taylor, 1953]. ….On another view, scapegoaters are insecure people driven to raise their own status by lowering the status of their target …”
Macklemore wrote this song about his addiction and it reminded me of my time after Mercy Ministries. He says in this song how he relapses and his first worst fear is admitting it to himself, and his second worst fear is admitting it to his family/friends.
He says that the whole world put him on a pedestal, used his success story for all these drug addicts and now he’s failing and it reminded me so much of Mercy Ministries’ women. Mercy puts their stories out into the community and at some point these people feel they have to get over their addictions/eating disorders/etc for others. But Macklemore doesn’t want to lie to his fans about where he’s at, he says.
"But I’d rather live telling the truth and be judged for my mistakes
Than falsely held up, given props, loved and praised. “
He talks about how worried he is that people will call him or his story a lie. Or that people will abandon him, but comes to the conclusion that nobody will leave. Or at least nobody that will matter.
I translated this slightly. From rap to English. :)
Those 3 plus years, I was so proud of
And I threw them all away for two Styrofoam cups
The irony, everyone will think that he lied to me
Made my sobriety so public, there’s no privacy
If I don’t talk about it then they think I carry a sobriety date
08-10-08, but now it’s been changed
Everybody wants to put me in some box as a saint that I never was,
It’s like the false prophet that never came
And will they think that everything that I’ve written has all been fake?
Or will I just take this slip up to the grave?
Uh, what are my parents gonna say?
The success story that got his life together and changed?
And you know what pain looks like
When you tell your dad you relapsed and look him directly into his face
The seat on your shoulder’s, the seemingly heavy weight
Haven’t seen tears like this on my girlfriend
The trust that I once built’s has been betrayed
But I’d rather live telling the truth and be judged for my mistakes
Than falsely held up, given props, loved and praised.
I guess I have to get this on the page
Feeling sick and helpless, I lost myself
I know what I have to do and I can’t help it
One day at a time is what they tell us
Now I have to find a way to tell them
God help them
Yeah, one day at a time is what they tell us
Now I have to find a way to tell them
We fall so hard
Now we have to get back what we lost
I thought you would leave
But you were with me all along.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=af3sQ7jyWrs - There’s strong language. It is a rap. I removed the strong language for my page.
There is this video of Nancy Alcorn that I somehow missed from two months ago. In the video she goes on to explain how people have written bad things about her and how it was just a misunderstanding and how we should just agree to disagree.
This is the transcription of the video.
I just want to talk to you about a time in my life where it was really just kind of tough. You get busy in Ministry and you love people and you talk about the love of God and the love of Jesus and you just feel like everything is wonderful and then all of a sudden one day you realize that somebody writes a bad article about you or someone says negative things about you that aren’t true and you get hit with the hurt and pain of that or there’s misunderstanding maybe between you and another fellow Christian. There side of the the story is different from your side story, there’s so many things that can happen.
And you know we need to remember that were all children of God and Christ was misunderstood and if we are going to be like him we need to understand and know that the Bible says that those who live godly in Christ Jesus that there are times they’re going to be persecuted, there’s times they’re going to be misunderstood, there’s times they’re going to be spoken evil of, or wrong of or whatever. You know there’s a great temptation, it’s in in a human being that we want to defend ourselves when we’re falsely accused.
And yet God says that if we will allow him to that he will be our defense and I think it’s during those times that we see what were really made of. That we have an opportunity to grow and really trust God. I Probably am one of the people that really dislike that scripture bless those who say things about you, curse you, it says bless and curse not. And you know when I first read that, I wanted frankly, I just wanted to rip that page out of the Bible because it just didn’t feel like what I wanted to do.
I found out the hard way that it we will just follow God and do things his way that he will be our defense, he can defend us far better than we can defend ourselves. if we bless people who we have misunderstandings with, you know, human beings have misunderstandings and we just need to grant people Grace and we need to grant forgiveness and we need to deal with our own offenses and we need to make sure that we don’t hold any unforgiveness toward anyone and just release people and realize that we’re all imperfect humans trying to do a perfect work for God and those who live godly in Christ Jesus at times will be persecuted and spoken evil of. If were doing something for God, it is part of the plan, so I just want to encourage you to take in that situation just know that God loves you and he loves all the people involved on the other side of the equation and that it’s so important for us to to agree to disagree so that we can have unity in the body of Christ
1. You’ve been targeted? You’re the victim? Are you serious? Really?
2. Misunderstanding? Would you care to email me, so we can work this out? ThePinkPropaganda@gmail.com
3. I’m not sure if you’re talking to us or someone else/ sponsor through this that prompted the making of this video and the removal of your blog “Nancy Alcorn Sets the Record Straight”. (OH Nevermind I know who you were talking to).
4. When I’m falsely accused of something I often laugh it off. I have no real desire for a deep seated need of approval of others and quite honestly you shouldn’t either.
5. That’s probably what got me kicked out of Mercy, not my inability to follow God’s plan for my life. I didn’t care about bowing to staff.
6. Is this the closest thing we’re going to get to an admittance of wrongdoing unless you’re forced? “that we’re all imperfect humans trying to do a perfect work “
7. Are you saying that nobody can speak wrong of you or your ministry, ever, without it being just a simple “misunderstanding”?
8. I doubt that you were just doing God’s work and then one day realized you were being spoken badly of, you have a need to defend yourself, so you have a need to know what’s being said.
9. I’m sorry but we worship different Gods. My God would be ashamed of you.
Dear Mercy Ministries Staff,
I never wanted to write you a letter. I never wanted to address you specifically. I never felt that I owed you any explanations or that I would accept any from you. And I guess there can be two different kinds of staff members. I don’t know what has happened since 2008. But this letter is towards those of you who sit behind your computers and call me bitter and unforgiving.
You see I’m not writing you this letter to give you any explanations for my actions. You won’t receive that here. I’m not embarrassed of what I’ve done, even though you think I should be ashamed.
How dare you call me manipulative. How dare you blame me for your failure. I was mentally ill. I needed in house psychiatrists and therapists with degrees and encouragement to stay on my medications and don’t tell me your God can heal everything and that if he didn’t heal me I wasn’t following his plan for my life. Our Gods must be different.
When somebody you love gets sick with lupus or diabetes or cancer I hope you don’t stand over them and cast spirits out of them. I hope you don’t call them attention seekers. I hope you don’t scold them for every possible thing imaginable.
I used to sit on those steps all the time and just stare through the railings. At what point in your mind did you think “we can help this girl”? Was it before or after I got back from the psychiatric ward? At what point do you say “this is demons” and “this is chemical”. Because I feel like you have no idea.
Do you understand what your material offers? Over and over and over again before we come to the program we are told multiple times how Mercy Ministries is a last resort. How only desperate young woman come here. How you make people all better. I was so scared to leave you, I thought I was going to die.
You gave me four hours to pack my things and get out.it. I had to leave right then. You didn’t even let me say goodbye to my friends. People I would never talk to again. I didn’t even cry on the way home, I was so numb. If you weren’t going to help me then clearly I was going to die. I would have never left Mercy willingly, as many times as I wanted to, I was terrified to die.
Even knowing how suicidal I naturally was, you placed a ton of leftover medication in the front pocket of my suitcase. You practically handed me a suicide attempt.
You were wrong.
Don’t tell me to forgive and move on. I never received an apology. Don’t call me bitter or resentful, you’re making up excuses as to why you sucked at your job. Don’t make this my fault. Don’t point out my flaws to over ride the shitty job you did. Take responsibility not just for me, but for dozens of other girls that are calling you out. I don’t need to hear your apology. I don’t want to be your friend. But own what you did, at least in your own heart.
I probably cannot tell you the number of people who have confessed the fear that envelopes them to be near Mercy Ministries staff after leaving the program. I am fortunate to have lived so far away.
It’s odd that I find this fear to be more prominent among those of us who have spoke out against Mercy, then those of us who are still with Mercy.
I often wonder if it’s because we feel that we are not perfect. That we have something to be ashamed of. That we have spoken up and spoken out and not followed the rules. That underneath it all we are still standing back at Mercy, waiting in the hallway for the staff to come out and punish us for our actions.
We didn’t follow Mercy’s rules. I mean, ultimately we betrayed them. At least in their eyes it’s seen this way. And in our minds, that have been torn down and built back up to worship Mercy, we see it this way too.
But it’s time to change. It’s time to take back our minds. It’s time to stop being afraid. It’s time to realize that what some of those staff members did, they should be hanging their heads when they walk past us. Not the other way around.
If they made you feel low for small things, don’t let them. If they told you, you were manipulative, rebellious, not following Gods plan. If they made it clear you were sinning. If they pointed out every flaw you made and called you a hypocrite. If they called you an attention seeker, a fool. If they ever told you you weren’t working hard enough, when you couldn’t possibly work any harder. If they condemned you for things you did in your past, or made you feel small for things you wanted to do in your future. They did the same to me.
You were sick, you went there for a reason, and maybe you even made mistakes. Mistakes happen, everybody makes them. Nobody is perfect. I made mistakes. Anyone who claims to have not made mistakes is lying. Stop running over them time and time again, about what YOU could have done differently. What could they have done differently? Blaming yourself over and over again, for something that is not your fault. How could they have educated themselves on your mental illness, or your sexuality, or your condition?
Did you betray them or did they betray you?
Take your mind back. It’s time to stop being afraid.